Thursday, April 30, 2009

One Hemisphere, Swine Flu - The Other Hemisphere, Mouse Attacks



Insta-Track Newsflash: Patrick Kane has just gone hero again and made it 3-2 'nucks. Come onnnnnnn Hawks!


Admiral Flashback: "Do you remember when the Oil had nothing to play for against a Calgary team bound for the playoffs right before the end of the regular season and decided to win the game? And, that win just happened to cost us dearly in the draft lottery? I remember that. Sam Gagner is cool too, I guess."

I think the funniest part of this video is the last sentence.

"The nursing home has offered to relocate residents to other facilities, but the families have declined."

Sidenote: Accents are amusing.

Jagr Respects Us!




I stumbled across this on Sportsnet a few minutes ago:

"I was pretty excited when I heard that Edmonton pushed pretty hard for me to get (there)," Jagr said Thursday at the IIHF World Hockey Championship. "I really appreciate it.

"If I ever go to (the NHL), they would be my No. 1 pick because they showed the interest first. I never forget that and I respect that."

See, who said free agents didn't want to sign in Edmonton? Oh, what? Jagr isn't technically a free agent? Well, isn't that swell. I wouldn't mind seeing Jagr here, but I wouldn't want to pay very much for him. Hopefully Tambo has other things in mind, but that was still a nice prop Mr. Jagr. Or, was Hemmer whispering things in his ear?




Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Round 2 Predictions



It's time to get down to business. I received an email this morning with the updated standings in our office pool. I gave her a looksy, and was shocked and dismayed to find that Trusty Rusty Shackleford was found sitting alone in 5th place. Depressing to say the least. I felt my first round was deserving of more than 5th place, and decided to review the InstaRound Trackometer I prepared for myself.

Either I do not know mathematics, or something is afoot!

5th place in our pool is currently worth 450 points. The InstaRound Trackometer below tells a different tale:



I CALL SHINANIGANS!!!


Math is math, and 450 is not the same as 490 - or at least the last time I busted out my Abacus they were not the same.

I have launched a formal complaint and expect an immediate resolution to this unfortunate instance. Assuming my outcry is heard, I will have vaulted from 5th place into sole possession of 2nd place. Nobody remembers who finished 2nd... But we ain't finished yet compadres.

I didn't freaking know Mick McGeough was tallying the scores this year!?! Bush League. George W. Bush League in fact. Although, we are friggen swamped at work right now, and official Tally Master is not exactly a paid position. I'll take my second place and move on to Round 2.

Moving On To Round 2:



WESTERN CONFERENCE

Detroit (2) vs. Anaheim (8)

Well I made a bold statement that clearly did not come true. Trusty Rusty no longer! That being said, Occasionally Correct Rusty doesn't have the same ring to it!

I yammered on about how the Ducks goaltending would not take them anywhere in this series. Meaning, will not take them anywhere BUT THE SECOND ROUND OF THE DANCE!

Much like the BJ's, the Ducks will need to step their game up against the Wings. The BJ's got on their knees vs. Detroit. Will Jonas Hiller do the same?

Hate Box Reaction: Chris Pronger will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Ducks.

Rusty Says: Detroit in 6.

Vancouver (3) vs. Chicago (4)

Will Roberto Luongo steal a series? Will Patrick Kane break into tears following a game 4 sweep of the 'nucks?

This series should be a doosy. It's times like these where the great debate takes place. Does one: a). Choose the Canadian Team Left or b). Spit on the Canadian Team because they are not the Mighty Oil?

Hate Box Reaction: You forget 1 thing Mr. Shackleford... Mats Sundin. MATS SUN-FUCKING-DIN!

Rusty Says: Chicago in 6.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston (1) vs. Carolina (6)

This should be a pretty exciting series too. Boston plays an exciting game, and the Canes showed some serious spine in Round 1. Unfortunately for Carolina, Boston isn't going to let Erik Cole scare them.

Hate Box Reaction: You sir, are wrong! Dumbass!

Rusty Says: Boston in 6.

Washington (2) vs. Pittsburgh (4)

The matchup of all matchups! Tom Poti vs. Rob Scuderi

Dynomite!

Hate Box Reaction: Mathieu Garon will come in for relief duty and lead the Pens to the cup! Douche.
Rusty Says: Washington in 7.

Bring on 1st place!


Below is how Swine Flu feels about my race to the #1 spot!:






Laughter



One of the key focuses of this site is keeping me entertained while using my high tech mobile device. It is with great excitement that I post some comedians.

An example of what lurks inside:



If It Pleases Me, It Will Please You



Snoop Dogg Preparing to Watch Katt Williams



Katt Williams - Pimp Chronicles



Bill Cosby



Bill Cosby



Jon Dore




Jerry Seinfeld




Ray Romano



Jon Stewart



Harland Williams



Dave Chappelle:



Dave Chappelle:



Tracy Morgan



Eddy Murphy Delirious



George Carlin



Richard Pryor



Eddy Murphy Raw



Adam Sandler



Chris Rock



Martin Lawrence



Russell Peters



Jim Gaffigan



Bob Saget Goodness Gracious :O



Rhod Gilbert (who?)




Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Office Playoff Pool - Round 1 Shake n Bake




The office pool is under way... The shit-talk didn't take long to bust out across the email waves. Our CEO - who just happens to be in the lead apparently - took the time out of his busy schedule to send a mass email explaining to how he currently is in 1st place. The finance department collaborated to collectively opine that the CEO's choice of Washington to win the cup was suspect. Ya Boy RS, fresh from a well-deserved week off, returned to learn that our CEO was astute enough to predict a parade in DC this year - As did The Admiral. It was pointed out after the first two games that the mighty Caps brought their vagines to the rink; to which Mr. CEO issued a notice that Washington would be contacted and this thing would get turned around. Music to my ears it was!

Insta-Track Newsflash!: Sergei Fedorov has just scored to make it 2-1 Caps ----- SqueeeEeeeEEEee!!! ---

Needless to say, I'm glad to have our office pool to keep things interesting whilst the Mighty Oil spend their April slutting it up on the golf course.

To Those Currently Ahead Of Me In The Pool: Look over your shoulder princess, Trusty Rusty is on the charge!

YOU KNOW YOU WANNA SEE HOW I DID...

To get you stoked for what lies within, I have prepared the following statistical pie-chart to illustrate the greatness that was the 1st Round of these 2009 NHL Playoffs:



PS. Are you aware the Flames have been elminated in the first round? Again? 4 times in a row? Great Googly Moogly!



For All Of The Hard Core Stats Junkies:



Above you will find a bar graph illustrating my prognostication skills in Round 1. Needless to say, I am none too pleased with the Sharks right now.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Jose (1) vs. Anaheim (8)

Summary Of My Rant:
All I'm saying about this series is: The Ducks goaltending isn't going to take them anywhere.

Hate Box Reaction: Todd Marchant will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Ducks.

Rusty Says: San Jose in 5.

OUTCOME: DUCKS IN 6

My Stats: GP 6 (5) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 3 win = 30 pts. (60 possible)
Series Winner - SJ = 0 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 30 points out of possible 105 pts

Hindsight Says: Fuck.

Detroit (2) vs. Columbus (7)

Summary Of My Rant: Detroit is obviously Detroit. Columbus is obviously Colum... WTF?... Columbus is in the playoffs?!? It's about time, and I for one am happy to see it. Problem being - Columbus plays Detroit in the first round.

Hate Box Reaction: Jason Chimera will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blue Jackets.

Rusty Says: Detroit in 6

OUTCOME: WINGS IN 4

My Stats: GP 6 (4) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 3 win = 30 pts. (40 possible)
Series Winner - DET = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 60 points out of possible 85 pts

Hindsight Says: Not Too Shabby!

Vancouver (3) vs. St. Louis (6)

Summary Of My Rant: Talk about a matchup of second half fire-breathers. Vancouver was able to steal the division from Calgary. St. Louis was the RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders and then skyrocketed into 6th place. I don't much care for the Canucks at all to be quite frank. That being said...

Hate Box Reaction: Brad Winchester will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blues.

Rusty Says: Vancouver in 7

OUTCOME: CANUCKS IN 4

My Stats: GP 7 (4) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 2 win = 20 pts. (40 possible)
Series Winner - VAN = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 50 points out of possible 85 pts

Hindsight Says: I Will Not Predict The Canucks To Win In ANYTHING Less Than 7 Games.


Chicago (4) vs. Calgary (5)

Summary Of My Rant: Does Olli Jokinen disease exist? I think so. The Flames were a mess down the stretch, ran into injuries, and just plain and simple are the Flames... They can lickith the stickith!

Hate Box Reaction: Rusty is right. F*ck the Flames!

Rusty Says: Chicago in 5

OUTCOME: HAWKS IN 6

My Stats: GP 5 (6) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 4 win = 40 pts. (60 possible)
Series Winner - CHI = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 70 points out of possible 105 pts

Hindsight Says: HAHAHA! The Flames DID Lickith The Stickith!

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston (1) vs. Montreal (8)

Summary Of My Rant: Normally, the Canadian bias comes out quite easily, but Boston looks too strong a team to hate on.

Hate Box Reaction: But Rusty, can you possibly doubt the Eastern Conference All Star starting line-up? They have to win! They're Allstars Dammit!

Rusty Says: Boston in 6

OUTCOME: BRUINS IN 4

My Stats: GP 6 (4) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 3 win = 30 pts. (40 possible)
Series Winner - BOS = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 60 points out of possible 75 pts

Hindsight Says: WTF Montreal?!? I Guess It's Up To The Canucks?!?!! OHHHHHHH Caaaaanaddddddaaaaaa!

Washington (2) vs. NYR (7)

Summary Of My Rant: I would love to see Slats have some success in the new millennium, but this will not be the year. (at least millenniums are long, right?)

Hate Box Reaction: Scott Gomez is a playoff superstar, the only way the Caps could pull this off is if they had traded for Pisani before the deadline.

Rusty Says:
Washington in 5

OUTCOME: CAPS IN 7

My Stats: GP 5 (7) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 1 win = 10 pts. (70 possible)
Series Winner - CAPS = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 40 points out of possible 115 pts

Hindsight Says: I picked the Caps to win the cup, so I guess I should just be happy they squeeked through. Fed-O-RoV!!! Fed-O-ROV!

New Jersey (3) vs. Carolina (6)

Summary Of My Rant:
I'm going to pull the Brent Sutter has already mailed it in card and say Carolina will pull the upset.

Hate Box Reaction: How can you choose an Ex-Oiler like Cole to lead a team through the first round and not choose the greatest player in the 2004 draft besides Pouliott?

Rusty Says: Carolina in 7

OUTCOME: CANES IN 7

My Stats: GP 7 (7) = 15 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 5 win = 50 pts. (70 possible)
Series Winner - CANES = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 95 points out of possible 115 pts

Hindsight Says: Trusty Rusty Strikes Again! 95 out of 115 is CASH... Or as close to cash as I seem to be able to get.

Pittsburgh (4) vs. Philadelphia (5)

Summary Of My Rant: It's tough to hate on the Flyers instantly as I normally would, seeing as they went on a romp last year. That being said, even though it may be a bit tougher to hate on them this year, I still will take pleasure in doing so.

Hate Box Reaction: Joffrey Lupul is going to score 5 goals in a game at least 3 times this playoffs and will be named Conn Smythe winner.

Rusty Says: Pittsburgh in 6

OUTCOME: PENS IN 6

My Stats: GP 6 (6) = 15 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 4 win = 40 pts. (60 possible)
Series Winner - BOS = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 85 points out of possible 105 pts

Hindsight Says: Another Near Sweep! Chalk One Up For The Good Guy.



Also:


What Was I On This Week? April 20th - April 24th



What Was I On?
Let's See What I Was On Last Week!
Sidenote: This week was jockin' 4/20

Is it just me, or does it seem like each year 4/20 gathers more steam? This year I received more Happy 4/20! texts than any other year. I also received a chain-text blunt...puff, puff, forward - which was a first. T'was a gooder if I do say so myself!

This week I was on:

Rusty's Choice:
A pirate:



A Trip Down Memory Lane:
Brutus The Barber Beefcake:


WTF? Gotta Love Photoshop:
Superman Snugglers:


GiddyUp.



Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Aftermath of Friday



Last night was epic. Not only did I get Oregon Trail on my iPhone... I got Wolfenstein on my iPhone. It's like elementary school all over again. Schhhhwwwwiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggg.

Time for more MC Vagina to get me ready to rip this bitch apart today. Next week will be a shitbox, so I gotta fit my intoxicants in while I still can.

"What's the difference between a girls mouth and a girls vagina? - There is none... I want my penis to be inside both of those things."





Damn... I can't wait til this dude comes on tour up north. Not sure why I find this so damn amusing, but I do. Here is my response to the hatebox:

"I've got a present for you right here. Actually, it's not a present... it's my penis; and I like to call it the sphere. Cuz spheres are long and hard, just like my penis. I don't like it when you talk... Cuz that just means you're not sucking my cock. Love is for girls and gays... If you wanna be with me, it goes 1 of 2 ways... Either you have sex with me... Or, you have sex with me."

Cheerio!


Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday = Start of the Weekend



What a long week! We're bringing on a large client May 1, and transitions are a pain in my ass. Larger bonuses, on the other hand, certainly are not a pain in my ass; unless I happen to be sitting on my wallet... In which case it could potentially be a pain in my ass.

Time for the Admiral to dust off his drinking shoes and wake up in a ditch with a wicked headache and a case of the clap!

Prop up the north side... C - To The Anada Bitch!

Friday, April 17, 2009

What Was I On? - April 13th - April 17th


What Was I On?
Let's See What I Was On Last Week!



Last Week Featured:

A Puck Bunny:


The Joker's Ability To Produce Boners:



NHL 93:



Yezzzzzzzzzzzir

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Priceless Part 2



Well, Millions' love for cock sucking has prompted me to scour the net webbings and find some other golden moments that don't let me down.

One example of the glory inside:



"I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you wanna... You Know."



"I'm on this Zoloft thing... Right?... But I'm only on that to keep me from killin y'all"


"I wish one of you had kids so I could kick them in the fuckin' head and stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain, cuz that's the pain I have waking up every day." - Iron Mike Tyson


WATCH THEM ALL!!


The comedy in this one is pretty self explanatory:



The video below makes you wonder what they were trying to prove by saying these things:



Below is my #1 video on You Tube. I've watched this so many damn times... never get tired of it.



I couldn't leave new reporters out of this party:



Shop 'Til You Drop:



I don't mind Jim Rome, apparently this guy does:



Boob toobery:



Good Gravy!



It's not funny to laugh about Tourettes... but:



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:



Can't forget about this one... SmoooOoooOooOOOOooooTH:



I also enjoy this one:



I am starting to really go off point with these links, but I can't stop - won't stop *does Puff Daddy dance*






Priceless



All I need to do in life is read Oilers Nation and I won't miss a beat.

Gold.

PS. I miss Ray Ferraro.

http://www.oilersnation.com

Read it or suffer a brutal sacking.

Example of a brutal sacking performed on an Asian lady shown below. They have schools where this fine art is taught and unleashed on those who do not live and breathe to the beat of the nation.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hire MacTavish Now F*ckers!



So I guess Mac-T is gone eh?

So I guess he's going to New York?

This team used to be predictable. I don't know what to think anymore. I need a drink.

KP better get the boot. Seriously.

And now, something to make an already wonderful day even better:



Today has been good.


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Lock 'Em - Round 1 Results - Spoiler Alert!



It's time for the office playoff pool... This year it shall be mine! I will admit I haven't been the best prognosticator in years past, but, as they say in Oil Country there's always next year! For me, next year starts now.

Inside, you will find out how the first round will shake down!


WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Jose (1) vs. Anaheim (8)

Anaheim was able to hang in there... Thanks to the collapse of our beloved Oil, the Ducks (who sucked large donk stick all year long) were able to waltz into the #8 spot. (Insert random Selanne stick measurement comment here)

Truth be told, I'm not just hating on Pronger because he's Pronger, or Bobby Ryan because Lowe apparently doesn't think the kid can play... All I'm saying about this series is: The Ducks goaltending isn't going to take them anywhere.

Hate Box Reaction: Todd Marchant will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Ducks.

Rusty Says: San Jose in 5.

Detroit (2) vs. Columbus (7)

Detroit is obviously Detroit. Columbus is obviously Colum... WTF?... Columbus is in the playoffs?!? It's about time, and I for one am happy to see it. Problem being - Columbus plays Detroit in the first round.

Now, I recall a certain player, who may have been Brad Winchester of all people, slay the mighty Wings... I don't see the same Detroit team the Oilers faced that wonderous spring. I'd love to see Columbus pull this one off, but... I keeps it real.

Hate Box Reaction: Jason Chimera will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blue Jackets.

Rusty Says: Detroit in 6

Vancouver (3) vs. St. Louis (6)

Talk about a matchup of second half fire-breathers. Vancouver was able to steal the division from Calgary. St. Louis was the RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders and then skyrocketed into 6th place. This is the same St. Louis team that had a player knocked out the entire year in a terrible golf cart accident.

I don't much care for the Canucks at all to be quite frank. That being said...

Hate Box Reaction: Brad Winchester will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blues.

Rusty Says: Vancouver in 7

Chicago (4) vs. Calgary (5)

Does the Olli Jokinen disease exist? I think so. The Flames were a mess down the stretch, ran into injuries, and just plain and simple are the Flames... They can lickith the stickith!

Hate Box Reaction: Rusty is right. F*ck the Flames!

Rusty Says: Chicago in 5

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston (1) vs. Montreal (8)

I'm loving the look of this matchup. It's nice to see Boston back on the hockey map dominating the East this year, and it was fun to watch Montreal have their roller coaster of a year. Normally, the Canadian bias comes out quite easily, but Boston looks too strong a team to hate on.

Hate Box Reaction: But Rusty, can you possibly doubt the Eastern Conference All Star starting line-up? They have to win! They're Allstars Dammit!

Rusty Says: Boston in 6

Washington (2) vs. NYR (7)

Will we see some Sean Avery fireworks? Will Ovechkin score a game winning goal and do the worm on the ice? The Rangers coming into this year looked like a strong team early, but really bottomed off as the season wore-on - much like the Canadiens. I would love to see Slats have some success in the new millennium, but this will not be the year. (at least millenniums are long, right?)

Hate Box Reaction: Scott Gomez is a playoff superstar, the only way the Caps could pull this off is if they had traded for Pisani before the deadline.

Rusty Says:
Washington in 5

New Jersey (3) vs. Carolina (6)

Erik Cole really helps Carolina coming into this series, and I do love to see a spoiler. I'm going to pull the Brent Sutter has already mailed it in card and say Carolina will pull the upset.

Hate Box Reaction: How can you choose an Ex-Oiler like Cole to lead a team through the first round and not choose the greatest player in the 2004 draft besides Pouliott?

Rusty Says: Carolina in 7

Pittsburgh (4) vs. Philadelphia (5)

There was a lot of talk earlier in the year about how a team could have the 2 top scorers in the league and miss the playoffs. The Pens turned it around and made some noise in the second half of the year and do have 2 of the best lamp lighters in the league. It's tough to hate on the Flyers instantly as I normally would, seeing as they went on a romp last year. That being said, even though it may be a bit tougher to hate on them this year, I still will take pleasure in doing so.

Hate Box Reaction: Joffrey Lupul is going to score 5 goals in a game at least 3 times this playoffs and will be named Conn Smythe winner.

Rusty Says: Pittsburgh in 6

There ya have it!


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Keep It Safe This Long Weekend...

Pack my bags and get out this piece is the plan for today. Bright and early first thing tomorrow I'm off to the mountains to paint Banff copper n blue. No work til the 20th... Long weekend in Banff. Things are shaping up nicely for Rusty T. these days. Besides our lousy hockey group of course.

In honour of the long weekend - and the fact that no one reads this site and I do need to keep myself entertained - Enjoy a fine animated programme.


Will He Stay? Or Will He Go?



Now, I don't want to alarm any of the Oilers faithful as we've already suffered enough this year... BUT... Trusty Rusty has been hearing a lot of talk about Mac-T walking away from the team. Apparently, there are a few people - a small handful according to a CP article I eye-sexed recently - that would like to see Mac-T relieved of his duties as coach, dipped in a vat of sweet and sour sauce and breadcrumbs, and tied to the back of a CN Train bound for Yellowknife as a flock of crows are released from a giant cage.

Will He Stay or Will He Go?

Does anyone really know what to expect from the Oilers? Well, when it comes to management - Yes. Ya Boy Rusty will go out on an extreme limb and say: He Will Stay.

If the Admiral were in charge, KP would get the axe, Mac-T would fill KP's shoes and tweak the scouting staff so that we are no longer in love with following trends (small "skilled" players last few drafts, big "power forwards" in previous drafts). I'm not delusional enough to back Mac-T's actions as a coach this year, but I do think the Craigster has what it takes to realize a good player when he sees it - coaching that player is another matter. The obvious response from the hate-box is: Do you want a team full of Liam Reddox-esque players with Mac-T calling the shots? At least Liam Reddox busted his ass for this team. Love him, or hate him - Flat-out losing Mac-T would not help the organization as a whole in my most humble of opinions. Call me crazy, but I'd much rather lose Huddie, Kelz, Moore and the rest of the backbenchers while launching Mac-T into the management scene. The Super Old Boys Club would be left unable to link up their magic rings and cure the ailments of Oil Country if the Craigster were to end up in, oh let's say, NYC.

There! Now that we've cleared that up, please proceed with your regularly scheduled drinking.




Next up... UPGRADE THE DAMN TEAM!

Long Weekend Salute - Easter



My friends, it's Easter Countdown Time! The snow is melting... The sun is shining... The miniskirts are returning... And I'm off to Banff after 1 more day of work. Bottoms up, tops off.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Friendly Message to the Edmonton Oilers...



Our good ol' friend 2Pac shares the actions most Oiler Fans will be relaying amongst the faithful this summer.

Have a Good Summer Biotch!!

Sidenote: If the Oil did love us and had made the playoffs, Detroit fans would be re-enacting 2pac's rant after the first round was finished in 4. Bring on the #9 slot in the draft.

Admiral Rusty T. Shackleford



...The "Recession" can go fuck itself... Why?
Because... Admiral Rusty T. Shackleford is open for business!