Admiral Rusty Shackleford

New Content: Oilers Fix

2009-06-01T00:43:00.001-07:00

I miss Oilers hockey. With the new additions of Pat Quinn and Tom Renney, the Oilers are all over my mind. What's Tambo's next move? Will he make a splash at the draft? Or July 1? Or both? Will Jagr or another studly scorer arrive this off season?

Soon enough we will find out what the 2009/2010 version of the Mighty Oil will look like. Until then, I'm left watching crappy YouTube junk to get my fix. Want to see what I watched tonight?

I haven't seen the CBC version until now. I recall the Sportsnet one from back in the day. It's something at least...

Oh, almost forgot. The reason I chose this video is because the coaches hired by the Oilers do not include Marc Crawford. I for one couldn't be happier.

IQWT

In Quinn We Trust

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Can You Dig It?

2009-05-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

Basically, I was looking for Macho Man Randy Savage's rap videos (yes, he released a rap album) and came across this documentary on hallucinogenic drugs. For those who have yet to experience salvia, this is surprisingly accurate... somewhat.

Oh, and for all those die-hard rap fanatics, there is some Macho stuff inside ;)

He is quite the talent.

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Un-Fucking-Believable

2009-05-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly the biggest basketball fan, but it's alright every now and then. If it was as cool as this all the time, I'd watch a bit more.

Also, I do rock Lebron shoes, so, ya know.

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What Says The Admiral?

2009-05-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

I don't expect any guff, or I'll biff ya in the chops!

Sure, Why Not?

2009-05-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

At this point in the evening, this video is noteworthy.

That is all.

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Long Weekend: Battle Log

2009-05-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

May long has come and gone. Inside, I'll spew the precious details.

The best part of long weekends is that you know there will be certain constants. Drunk, outdoors, ass slapping, grilling, bluntage, excessively loud tunes, hooliganism, fuzzems the 5-0, ridiculous hangovers... I mean, I could go on... Alas........
The BEST part of long weekend antics is the unknown. Sure, you know you'll be drunk, chasing ass, blunt in your mouth, steak on the grill, and waking up with one fuck of a headache. Tried, tested and true: It is what it is. The real fun comes from not knowing exactly what hand you'll land once the flop drops. I expected the basics of the long weekend, strapped on my drinking shoes and got down to business; the hand I drew was straight glory.

Friday got started way too early. Not only did I start drinking earlier than expected, I also started gathering the weekend's music at a record pace. I loaded up the iPhone, and burned classic drinking CD after classic drinking CD - For this I am thankful. Friday involved mass drinkage, and eventually a house party for a buddy taking off for Banff in the morning. Leaving for Banff is a quality excuse to throw a house party in my opinion. Needless to say, Saturday morning greeted me with a swift boot to the head.

Saturday involved hitting the Great Outdoors. It feels dirty to spend May Long without actually leaving the city. There are always so many stories that were so fucking hilarious at the time, but I can't remember for the life of me now. My head hurts. No Saturday stories for you.

Came back into town on Sunday afternoon and was in pretty rough shape overall. Still knowing the long weekend was yet to finish, I was back up on my grind. The tacklebox didn't work any magic thus far in the weekend and I was dedicated to continue in the persuit of ass. Sure, there's lots of drunken assgrab that goes down on a long weekend - If you don't land it, well that totally sucks. The mission was simple. I was hoping not to go to a club, or resort to some whackards way of landing a long weekend spunktakular. Luckily for this war mongerer, there were 2 nibbles on the line and a decision had to be made.

Consider this a battle won. 'Til The Next Long Weekend!

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What Was I On? May 11th to May 15th

2009-05-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

What Was I On?
Inside you will find out what the Admiral was on last week.

Sidenote: This week featured Mother's Day.

This week I was on:
Rusty's Choice
A MILF

A Trip Down Memory Lane:
Bill Ranford and the Infamous Pad Stack

Weekly WTF?!?Safety First

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Well, Isn't This The Damndest Thing

2009-05-14T09:39:00.001-07:00

And people wonder why America is the fattest country? Good thing I'm Canadian. I want a bag or 12.

Actually Cheetos get sick pretty damn quick, but I'd want to try one of those honkers.

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Soccer: An Example of Why People Think It's A Gay Sport

2009-05-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of people around these parts that think soccer is either a wussy sport, or girlyman sport, or whatever adjective resembling gay they choose. Anyone who thinks this will surely find the video above as further proof. This guy can get any euro-chick he wants. He plays on the biggest stage at Man U. He reps Portugal. We all know what they say about Portuguese women.

How the hell did they catch this on tape?

Can't mention one Ronaldo without mentioning the other. Here is a video that made me laugh last year, and has done it again this year. Twice in one game. What are the odds?

I don't mind soccer. I used to actually watch it from time to time - even if it wasn't the World Cup or Euro. I'm the soccer equivalent to Ed Belfour between the pipes. Drunk, abusive, and downright filty when it comes to keeping things out of my net. That being said, soccer is nowhere near the top of my list.

I decided to add more ball busters:

Do you remember this commercial?

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Everybody Loves Raymond

2009-05-13T00:33:00.000-07:00

I love Wheel of Fortune blunders. This is true. Nothing is better than seeing someone totally bomb a response that should be common sense. Above you will find my favorite one, for several factors. It's the highest quality, and this guy is the blunder - not his answers. This is one bad ass contestant. Retro-styles.

I don't want to call this guy a crackhead because he may have some form of medical condition... but wow he is eclectic, let's just say that.

I enjoyed all 8 minutes of this video, and there's an outside shot that you - that's right, YOU! - might enjoy this as much as I did.

Click here to see some of the Admiral's other favorite Wheel Of Fortune Videos - Why not make this link even longer because long links are amusing and when you're deciding to click on something a long link makes you think it's some sort of advertisement or virus that will completely fuck up your day, when in fact it's simply a link to the Admiral's favorite Wheel of Fortune Blunders; You BIG DUMMY!

Let's kick start this bitch off on the right foot:

Wow, way to blow $10,000:

Longest 2 letters ever:

Huge, Huge, Huge Gaff!

What a raging drunk:

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A Rose That Grew From Concrete

2009-05-12T20:01:00.001-07:00

As the result of an unpaid gambling debt, it is in my best interest to contribute to the cesspool that is Jeanshortsandbaggedmilk. As I'm sure you can imagine, Trusty Rusty is quite satisfied with the usability of his unmentionables. In lamen terms: I enjoy having a functional penis.

Effectively immediately, I will be toiling behind a computer monitor trying to peddle smut to the populous to ensure my not so little fella continues to see the light of day.

If I may, I would like to be serious for a moment. I think this endevor will lead to nothing short of a sexy time. Bottoms up! Tops off!

www.jeanshortsandbaggedmilk.com

I feel such a triumph can only be summed up with a poem:

Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature's law is wrong it learned to walk with out having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams, it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared.-
T. Shakur

Today was a good day. HOVA!

Hate Box Reaction: Does this mean the end of the Admiral??????? But we LOVE you Rusty!

Rusty Says: Don't worry kittens, I'll be around - and this site will too.

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NFL Predictions - 2009/2010 Season

2009-05-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

Not only did I have one hell of a time watching hockey tonight, I also got my NFL predictions out of the way. To see more detail into why this will be the final standings at the end of the year, click the damn post.

AFC

AFC North
No surprise, Steelers and Ravens are the 2 strengths in the division. I'd rather see the Ravens win the division, but don't see it happening.

AFC East
Tom Brady is back! Tom Brady is back! Well, I hate the Patriots, but keep it real and don't see any other team winning this division.

AFC West
The Chargers are pretty lucky to be in their division. If they don't win this thing, I will be incorrect in my prediction.

AFC South
The powerhouse division of the AFC depth-wise. All four teams can win football games. The Texans could do much better than I predict, but the depth of the division makes me think it'll be the Colts winning, and the Titans as the Wildcard.

NFC
NFC North
The Bears should be able to pull this thing off, even if Brett Favre comes back in purple. The Packers could make some noise too. Until I have a chance to see how Jay Cutler plays in the Chi, it's a crapshoot as to who will win the division in my mind. I'll give the tip of my cap to Da Bears! I also think I was generous to the Lions, giving them 2 wins. Will be interesting, and I for one can't wait.

NFC East
Another difficult one to predict. The Giants must be considered, The Cowboys trimmed their cancers, and The Eagles made a run last year. I still think the Giants will take it and the Cowboys will sqeek out a Wildcard over the Eagles.

NFC West
ZZZzzzZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz. Gonna be a snoozefest. Cardinals will win, and the rest of the division will continue to lickith the stickith. Seahawks might be decent, but most likely will not be.

NFC South
Much like the NFC East, the South should be a gongshow. The Panthers, Saints, and Falcons were all playing well last year. For the Saints to have the offense they did, and finish as low in the standings as they did... Strong freaking division (and shitty D by the Saints). I'll go with the Panthers to win the division, but would not be surprised at all if that doesn't come true. The Falcons made some big steps over the off season, but I'll need to see more out of Matt Ryan to predict the Dirty Birds topping the division. Safe to say, one of the Wildcards will come from the South.

I'll figure out my playoff predictions shortly, and will call my bookie.

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NHL Playoffs - Instant Boner

2009-05-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm fresh off of watching some of the most entertaining hockey I've seen in a long time. The Caps and the Hawks both showed some serious spine in winning their games tonight. Both games went down to the wire and the atmosphere in both rinks was electric. I would think the NHL would be pleased with how the playoffs have gone thus far, except for the fact the Mighty Oil did not qualify. A Chicago/Detroit Western Final would also serve the NHL well, considering both teams are slicker than Razor Ramon - and they faced off in an entertaining Winter Classic this year.. I can't wait to see Game 7 of the Caps/Pens series. Unreal.

Oh, and poor Vancouver. At least you have '94.

GO OIL GO!!!

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Human Interest - Drunks

2009-05-10T16:22:00.001-07:00

The Admiral was planning on a relaxing evening at home last night, until I heard of a house party in high gear on the north side. Thoughts of all the free booze and booty, it was a no brainer to fire up the whip and head up north. I arrived sober as a judge, making me the only sane person in the joint. I was quick to catchup, and the rest, as they say, is history.

When you join a bunch of drunks as a sober citizen, it can go one of 2 ways. Either you're not drinking that night and drunks shortly become very annoying. Or, you join them. I joined them.

Interesting Notes:

- I find it hilarious when someone is so fired up about a story they're telling, that they stand up to give it the full effect. This doesn't sound funny - unless that person happens to stand up, trip over a kiddy pool, fall on top of the chair they stood up from, and fall flat on their face mere inches from the roaring fire. Comedy.

- I find it hilarious how some people just HAVE to be the center of attention - especially when boozing. A fight almost broke out of the answer key to the WHMIS test. I'm not sure how someone would take offense to this, however, drunks are drunks. Again, comedy.

- Another point of hilarity is knowing your limits. It's 4am, and we run out of hootch. One of the party goers realizes this (the same one that can't stand no less) and decides to call Dial-A-Bottle. When the lady on 411 gives the number, instead of remembering he wanted liquor, he proceeds to give the operator a drunken piece of his mind. (I honestly couldn't make out what he was saying. Maritimers sound drunk enough when they're sober.) Again, I laughed.

- Alcoholic Dogs - There was a beauty of a dog (The Admiral has a soft spot for BIG dogs) hanging out in the back yard with us all evening. As we crushed beer after beer, the dog found great pleasure in tipping over the empties, pouring them on the ground and drinking the beer. Needless to say, I was impressed.

If you look closely, you will see the dog crushing a Bud.

Thank goodness Lord Wanye Von Gretz IV went all Glen Sather this morning and got me outta the clink. It's nice to be free again.

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What Was I On? May 4th to May 8th

2009-05-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

What Was I On?
Inside you will find what the Admiral was on last week.

Sidenote: This week gets a special big up to Megan Fox.

Click Here To See What I Was On

This week I was on:

Rusty's Choice
A Nurse

A Trip Down Memory Lane
Tin Tin

Weekly WTF
America's Most Wanted

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She Can Stand Under My Umbrella...

2009-05-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was out and about and should be somewhere right now, but these pics were too good to continue with the events this evening. I'll make it short and sweet, and you can insert the punchlines you want. Chris Brown leaked pictures of Rihanna naked. Well, isn't that romantic. Fuck around, this was good news.

For everyone interested, the pics are inside. You'll look. Totally NSFW.

I'm sure I'll add more thoughts once I return home and have a chance to fully review the intricate details of each pic. Friiiiiiiiiiday!

I'd like to see her and Megan Fox locking lips.

Found at www.wwtdd.com

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Marketing Wizardry

2009-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

It's a cut throat world out there. Effective marketing in this stagnant economic climate is a must for a company to retain, and ideally, increase their market share. I caught wind of this commercial and subsequently must give a tip of my cap to El Pollo Loco's brain trust.

Too bad I can't enjoy some free El Pollo Loco on Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to all affected.

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Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself

2009-05-08T02:22:00.000-07:00

I am known for a few things, rather than many. Being an allstar basketball champ is from time to time a hobby, but rarely a career. Yesterday, however, I signed numerous 3 point petitions indicating otherwise.

As broadcast on Twitter:

Damn I pulled it off. Was down 18, 17 and I had 2. Straight to 21. Cash money. about 7 hours ago

This was me elaborating on the triumphant comeback of the night. No, not the Hawks stunning the Canucks, instead it was my rise from an 18-2 hole, to a 21-19 champion.

That's right. I ran the board from 2 to 21 playing a game aptly named.... 21.

Oh, wait, I think my Twitter may have explained that. Very well, enjoy a picture of me accomplishing the feat. Stunning.

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Felonious Capers

2009-05-08T00:34:00.000-07:00

Remember Kids: Like everything the Admiral lays his eyes upon, this shit is not exactly safe for work. It's still tasteful in a way; albeit, perverse and contumacious. Sexxxxxy Time, nonetheless.

I am totally back at it again *can't stop, won't stop*. I can't think of anything finer than scouring the internet in an illustrious attempt to thief my way to satisfaction. I done gripped me a classic.
*Erupts into double-time moon walk, complete with groin thrusting/grabbing, gold spray painted hockey knee pads, and rhinestone glove - Ta Heeeee Heeeeeeeee...
Chhh' monnnnn*

Big up to JSBM who continue to destroy my ability to focus. What results is a stern warning to the general public: These two hooligans should be considered armed and dangerous.

This one I obtained by the classiest of means. Searching 'Hottest Girl Ever' on YouTube.

Enjoy: (The title is not misleading - I guess it's old, but new to me...)

Sidenote: While she is damn fine, she could have done a lot more in the ass shaking department (and the audio department). That being said, beggars can't be choosers I believe is the saying. As per usual, I'd still spunkload a brat into her.

IMPORTANT AUDIO UPDATE: The magicbox known simply as iPhone has assisted me yet again. If you haven't heard, they have an app that hooks you up with the name and album for any song, any genre, EVER!!* Shazam is the name of the app, and I now know that the song in this video is Criminal, by Fiona Apple. Well, there you go. Technology gives me a boner more often than not these days.

* Does not actually have every song... I would still take great pleasure having sex with it; not so much with Fiona Apple. Again, knowing me, a brat causing spunkload within could be a possiblity for Miss Apple. I'll be Mr. Banana.

I am well aware there is an inner pervert in all of us. I am known to keep it real more often than not. My actions today fall under the 'More Often' umbrella. Click on the damn post to see more.

To recapitulate the theorem delineated herein:

((Titties + Ass) + Not Being At Work) x (Blood Alcohol Level/π) = Good Fucking Time + √Twat.

Simple algebra, cohorts and compatriots.

One love, one nation.

I see you've made it this far. Pervert. I am a man of my word, thus and so, without further delay:

How to start? Well, we can't forget to stretch.

More Spunkery:

God Bless Her:

Rusty Says: Why is this video so fucking hot? If I was in Hollywood, I would pitch a project where this premise replaces Fear Factor.

Onwards, and UPwards!

***** PLEASE TURN THE AUDIO OFF BEFORE WATCHING THIS NEXT ONE. IF THIS IS DONE, YOU WILL ENJOY. IF NOT, YOU MAY STILL ENJOY - THE TALKING MAKES ME WANT TO GO JUMPSTART THURSDAY NIGHT SHANKAPALOOZA. ****

Wow:

Shakems:

Interesting...

I could go on for days, but there's more important things afoot.

This Post Would Not Have Been Possible Without The Loving Support Of:

- Rusty Shackleford
- Enzyte
- The Letter 'P'
- JSBM's attention to the bonerific arts.
- Trainwreck Kush
- www.thesaurus.com
- Kokanee "Glacier Pack" 18 deep.
- Große Brüste und Dichter Arsch

Hostile Takeover

2009-05-06T22:18:00.001-07:00

What a golden first line: It's an exciting time for professional hockey in Southern Ontario and it has nothing to do with the playoffs. (Insert random Leafs joke here)

The only other thing I thought of while reading this site:

Above you will find Jim Balsillie's sales pitch to the league.

Yezzzzzzzzzir.

Petr The Pussy Eating Pelican

2009-05-06T19:15:00.000-07:00

Pelicans eat pussy too! Well, I'll be damned. This happy little fella shall be dubbed Petr The Pussy Eating Pelican.

The rain has stopped, yet somehow I find myself watching the Jays game. Something has to give. So, onto the intertracery to spew my filth I go.

Admiral Instra-Trak Text Message Alert! I just received a text message from a buddy that is returning to work after some time off. Inspirational is an understatement:

"I love work, and my crew is so fucking cool. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I'm so excited for 10 hours of work tomorrow, and the day after!"

Now, if only everybody had the same lust for life as my friend, we'd live in a much more efficient world. I can see it now:
- Timmy's would have no lineups.
- The floor under the urinal would not be covered in a puddle of excrement.
- The Mighty Oil would be sitting up 3-0 in the second round of the '09 NHL Playoffs.
- Meagan Fox would have mothered my children and also fornicated with my bank account.
- Chrysler would not be bankrupt.
- Duke Nukem would be available on the iPhone.

Too bad my buddy was being totally sarcastic. As it turns out, he would rather stick a sharpened, swine-flu infected popsicle stick in his rectum than go to work. He sure had me fooled... This means 1 thing: I will continue to wear my galoshes whilst relieving myself, urinal styles.

I'm not sure what the point of this post was, but it did get me away from watching baseball - for this I am thankful.

Other Random Notes:

- It's hump day. I have yet to hump.

- That Pens/Caps game was pretty entertaining. Malkin would look nice in Copper n Blue.

- It's about fucking time it rained. Farmers need some love too! (I could make a swine-flu joke, but I have taste dammit!!!)

- Drinking beer for several hours will drive a man to posting useless dribble about pelicans that eat pussy, and Megan Fox having babies.

I think I accomplished everything I set out to with this one! Success!

I have also decided to go Carlos Mencia on the Towel Boy. By this, I mean I have stolen a video directly from his site to whore it upon my own. I hadn't seen this beauty until a few minutes ago.

Hate Box Reaction: How come Towel Boy comes up with quality ideas for posts, while Rusty sits here drinking beer and talking about fornication?

Rusty Says: Because Towel Boy is a trail blazer. I'm a thief. Felonious capers, my friends.

Looks like it's back to drinking.

Adamantium

2009-05-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

Bruno Official Trailer (R-rated!)

I might be interested in seeing this.

Here is a sampling of his contributions to Twitter:

Megan Fox makes my penis harder than adamantium.
9:01 PM May 3rd from web - Borat

Agreed.

I think Purell Hand Sanitizer was specifically made for post masturbation cleanliness. Never beat it and then touch your keyboard w/o it.
11:10 PM Mar 11th from Power Twitter - Borat

Also agreed.

Jimminy Sprokets!

Das Wunderkinder

2009-05-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've always been pro Ovechkin. The thing is, I've never really been negative Crosby. Lately, the boy SC87 has been reading too much into his press. Crosby has taken shots throughout his career, while still being the poster boy of the league. He has done some impressive things, but has also been hyped beyond belief. Fans were quick to lose their love for Aunt Sidney after just a couple of short years in the league.

He's a robot, they'd yell! He has 5 quotes to choose from, they bellowed! He was going to skip the All Star game until the league squeezed his nards, they proclaimed! He sounds more like Abe Simpson than my grandpa, and on, and on.

Crosby is a damn fine player. I'd do some pretty unthinkable things to see him suit up in RX1 on a regular basis. But, he is quickly losing my interest in the person (not that he's ever given anyone something to be interested in). Not only is he so predictable on the mic, he does seem to bitch a lot in general. Fine. He's a star.

Of all the things he's done thus far, I must say tonight was something else. Das Wunderkinder proceeds to bitch at the ref... in a playoff game... about the home crowd celebrating too much?..... Pardon me? Excusay Moi?

What does Sid expect the refs to do?

Oh, wait:

"People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

That explains it! Makes total sense in fact. Why should the fans be allowed to throw hats on the ice when Sid the Kid is on the scene? He's SID THE KID!!!

Or, was he just wanting the fans to make sure there were some hats left for when he popped his trick?

I would certainly enjoy seeing them drop the gloves. Indeed.

It's a lot harder to like a player when you can't stand the person. That being said, bring on 2010. Make me love you again!!!

My summation on Crosby: What a tool, but if he wins us a gold... I will forgive.

Ahhhhh... Gotta Love Playoff Hockey!

2009-05-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

This was one hell of a hit. The question being - dirty or clean? Well, the puck was obviously gone. He could have turned or slowed up. On the other hand, Hudler was doing the classic watching of the pass; I guess he was asking for it. Both parties a little bit at fault?

The jury is still out.

Click Here For More 2009 Playoff Hits!

Here are some other doosies:

This didn't happen in the playoffs, but I still love it:

What Was I On? April 27th - May 1st

2009-05-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

What Was I On?
Let's See What I Was On Last Week!
This week I was on:

Rusty's Choice:
A Nun

Trip Down Memory Lane:
Wolfenstein

Weekly WTF:
Don't Touch The Fucking Sign!

Bitchin!

Can't We All Just Get Along?

2009-05-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

I heard an audio clip of this real commercial over the radio while taming the Henday. I got a cheap laugh out of it at first and the after-clip banter was even better. On the show, talk of how we can all get along - blacks and whites - sunshine and puppies - were being spread across the radio waves. What followed was a bombshell that made me wonder aloud.

(Paraphrased)"They wouldn't be as happy if Person A's teenage daughter was seeing Person B's son."

This lead me to thinking: Does Mr. White Man, Radio Host A, have a daughter that happens to be teenie bopper?

The answer: Of course. Why else would he randomly drop toss that out there?

What about the Mexican diss? Oh, right. Swine Flu. Gotcha. The production value of this video was also stunning. I wonder if Red House would open a franchise here? At the Reddddd House!

Heads!

2009-05-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Wow. Scary shit. One staffer was paralyzed from the waist down. 12 people in total injured. Not good.

One Hemisphere, Swine Flu - The Other Hemisphere, Mouse Attacks

2009-04-30T20:14:00.001-07:00

Insta-Track Newsflash: Patrick Kane has just gone hero again and made it 3-2 'nucks. Come onnnnnnn Hawks!

Admiral Flashback: "Do you remember when the Oil had nothing to play for against a Calgary team bound for the playoffs right before the end of the regular season and decided to win the game? And, that win just happened to cost us dearly in the draft lottery? I remember that. Sam Gagner is cool too, I guess."

I think the funniest part of this video is the last sentence.

"The nursing home has offered to relocate residents to other facilities, but the families have declined."

Sidenote: Accents are amusing.

Jagr Respects Us!

2009-04-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this on Sportsnet a few minutes ago:

"I was pretty excited when I heard that Edmonton pushed pretty hard for me to get (there)," Jagr said Thursday at the IIHF World Hockey Championship. "I really appreciate it.

"If I ever go to (the NHL), they would be my No. 1 pick because they showed the interest first. I never forget that and I respect that."

See, who said free agents didn't want to sign in Edmonton? Oh, what? Jagr isn't technically a free agent? Well, isn't that swell. I wouldn't mind seeing Jagr here, but I wouldn't want to pay very much for him. Hopefully Tambo has other things in mind, but that was still a nice prop Mr. Jagr. Or, was Hemmer whispering things in his ear?

Round 2 Predictions

2009-04-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

It's time to get down to business. I received an email this morning with the updated standings in our office pool. I gave her a looksy, and was shocked and dismayed to find that Trusty Rusty Shackleford was found sitting alone in 5th place. Depressing to say the least. I felt my first round was deserving of more than 5th place, and decided to review the InstaRound Trackometer I prepared for myself.

Either I do not know mathematics, or something is afoot!

5th place in our pool is currently worth 450 points. The InstaRound Trackometer below tells a different tale:

I CALL SHINANIGANS!!!

Math is math, and 450 is not the same as 490 - or at least the last time I busted out my Abacus they were not the same.

I have launched a formal complaint and expect an immediate resolution to this unfortunate instance. Assuming my outcry is heard, I will have vaulted from 5th place into sole possession of 2nd place. Nobody remembers who finished 2nd... But we ain't finished yet compadres.

I didn't freaking know Mick McGeough was tallying the scores this year!?! Bush League. George W. Bush League in fact. Although, we are friggen swamped at work right now, and official Tally Master is not exactly a paid position. I'll take my second place and move on to Round 2.

Moving On To Round 2:

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Detroit (2) vs. Anaheim (8)

Well I made a bold statement that clearly did not come true. Trusty Rusty no longer! That being said, Occasionally Correct Rusty doesn't have the same ring to it!

I yammered on about how the Ducks goaltending would not take them anywhere in this series. Meaning, will not take them anywhere BUT THE SECOND ROUND OF THE DANCE!

Much like the BJ's, the Ducks will need to step their game up against the Wings. The BJ's got on their knees vs. Detroit. Will Jonas Hiller do the same?

Hate Box Reaction: Chris Pronger will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Ducks.

Rusty Says: Detroit in 6.

Vancouver (3) vs. Chicago (4)

Will Roberto Luongo steal a series? Will Patrick Kane break into tears following a game 4 sweep of the 'nucks?

This series should be a doosy. It's times like these where the great debate takes place. Does one: a). Choose the Canadian Team Left or b). Spit on the Canadian Team because they are not the Mighty Oil?

Hate Box Reaction: You forget 1 thing Mr. Shackleford... Mats Sundin. MATS SUN-FUCKING-DIN!

Rusty Says: Chicago in 6.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston (1) vs. Carolina (6)

This should be a pretty exciting series too. Boston plays an exciting game, and the Canes showed some serious spine in Round 1. Unfortunately for Carolina, Boston isn't going to let Erik Cole scare them.

Hate Box Reaction: You sir, are wrong! Dumbass!

Rusty Says: Boston in 6.

Washington (2) vs. Pittsburgh (4)

The matchup of all matchups! Tom Poti vs. Rob Scuderi

Dynomite!

Hate Box Reaction: Mathieu Garon will come in for relief duty and lead the Pens to the cup! Douche.
Rusty Says: Washington in 7.

Bring on 1st place!

Below is how Swine Flu feels about my race to the #1 spot!:

Laughter

2009-04-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

One of the key focuses of this site is keeping me entertained while using my high tech mobile device. It is with great excitement that I post some comedians.

An example of what lurks inside:

If It Pleases Me, It Will Please You

Snoop Dogg Preparing to Watch Katt Williams

Katt Williams - Pimp Chronicles

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby

Jon Dore

Jerry Seinfeld

Ray Romano

Jon Stewart

Harland Williams

Dave Chappelle:

Dave Chappelle:

Tracy Morgan

Eddy Murphy Delirious

George Carlin

Richard Pryor

Eddy Murphy Raw

Adam Sandler

Chris Rock

Martin Lawrence

Russell Peters

Jim Gaffigan

Bob Saget Goodness Gracious :O

Rhod Gilbert (who?)

Office Playoff Pool - Round 1 Shake n Bake

2009-04-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

The office pool is under way... The shit-talk didn't take long to bust out across the email waves. Our CEO - who just happens to be in the lead apparently - took the time out of his busy schedule to send a mass email explaining to how he currently is in 1st place. The finance department collaborated to collectively opine that the CEO's choice of Washington to win the cup was suspect. Ya Boy RS, fresh from a well-deserved week off, returned to learn that our CEO was astute enough to predict a parade in DC this year - As did The Admiral. It was pointed out after the first two games that the mighty Caps brought their vagines to the rink; to which Mr. CEO issued a notice that Washington would be contacted and this thing would get turned around. Music to my ears it was!

Insta-Track Newsflash!: Sergei Fedorov has just scored to make it 2-1 Caps ----- SqueeeEeeeEEEee!!! ---

Needless to say, I'm glad to have our office pool to keep things interesting whilst the Mighty Oil spend their April slutting it up on the golf course.

To Those Currently Ahead Of Me In The Pool: Look over your shoulder princess, Trusty Rusty is on the charge!

YOU KNOW YOU WANNA SEE HOW I DID...

To get you stoked for what lies within, I have prepared the following statistical pie-chart to illustrate the greatness that was the 1st Round of these 2009 NHL Playoffs:

PS. Are you aware the Flames have been elminated in the first round? Again? 4 times in a row? Great Googly Moogly!

For All Of The Hard Core Stats Junkies:

Above you will find a bar graph illustrating my prognostication skills in Round 1. Needless to say, I am none too pleased with the Sharks right now.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Jose (1) vs. Anaheim (8)

Summary Of My Rant: All I'm saying about this series is: The Ducks goaltending isn't going to take them anywhere.

Hate Box Reaction: Todd Marchant will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Ducks.

Rusty Says: San Jose in 5.

OUTCOME: DUCKS IN 6

My Stats: GP 6 (5) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 3 win = 30 pts. (60 possible)
Series Winner - SJ = 0 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 30 points out of possible 105 pts

Hindsight Says: Fuck.

Detroit (2) vs. Columbus (7)

Summary Of My Rant: Detroit is obviously Detroit. Columbus is obviously Colum... WTF?... Columbus is in the playoffs?!? It's about time, and I for one am happy to see it. Problem being - Columbus plays Detroit in the first round.

Hate Box Reaction: Jason Chimera will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blue Jackets.

Rusty Says: Detroit in 6

OUTCOME: WINGS IN 4

My Stats: GP 6 (4) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 3 win = 30 pts. (40 possible)
Series Winner - DET = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 60 points out of possible 85 pts

Hindsight Says: Not Too Shabby!

Vancouver (3) vs. St. Louis (6)

Summary Of My Rant: Talk about a matchup of second half fire-breathers. Vancouver was able to steal the division from Calgary. St. Louis was the RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders and then skyrocketed into 6th place. I don't much care for the Canucks at all to be quite frank. That being said...

Hate Box Reaction: Brad Winchester will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blues.

Rusty Says: Vancouver in 7

OUTCOME: CANUCKS IN 4

My Stats: GP 7 (4) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 2 win = 20 pts. (40 possible)
Series Winner - VAN = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 50 points out of possible 85 pts

Hindsight Says: I Will Not Predict The Canucks To Win In ANYTHING Less Than 7 Games.

Chicago (4) vs. Calgary (5)

Summary Of My Rant: Does Olli Jokinen disease exist? I think so. The Flames were a mess down the stretch, ran into injuries, and just plain and simple are the Flames... They can lickith the stickith!

Hate Box Reaction: Rusty is right. F*ck the Flames!

Rusty Says: Chicago in 5

OUTCOME: HAWKS IN 6

My Stats: GP 5 (6) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 4 win = 40 pts. (60 possible)
Series Winner - CHI = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 70 points out of possible 105 pts

Hindsight Says: HAHAHA! The Flames DID Lickith The Stickith!

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston (1) vs. Montreal (8)

Summary Of My Rant: Normally, the Canadian bias comes out quite easily, but Boston looks too strong a team to hate on.

Hate Box Reaction: But Rusty, can you possibly doubt the Eastern Conference All Star starting line-up? They have to win! They're Allstars Dammit!

Rusty Says: Boston in 6

OUTCOME: BRUINS IN 4

My Stats: GP 6 (4) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 3 win = 30 pts. (40 possible)
Series Winner - BOS = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 60 points out of possible 75 pts

Hindsight Says: WTF Montreal?!? I Guess It's Up To The Canucks?!?!! OHHHHHHH Caaaaanaddddddaaaaaa!

Washington (2) vs. NYR (7)

Summary Of My Rant: I would love to see Slats have some success in the new millennium, but this will not be the year. (at least millenniums are long, right?)

Hate Box Reaction: Scott Gomez is a playoff superstar, the only way the Caps could pull this off is if they had traded for Pisani before the deadline.

Rusty Says: Washington in 5

OUTCOME: CAPS IN 7

My Stats: GP 5 (7) = 0 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 1 win = 10 pts. (70 possible)
Series Winner - CAPS = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 40 points out of possible 115 pts

Hindsight Says: I picked the Caps to win the cup, so I guess I should just be happy they squeeked through. Fed-O-RoV!!! Fed-O-ROV!

New Jersey (3) vs. Carolina (6)

Summary Of My Rant: I'm going to pull the Brent Sutter has already mailed it in card and say Carolina will pull the upset.

Hate Box Reaction: How can you choose an Ex-Oiler like Cole to lead a team through the first round and not choose the greatest player in the 2004 draft besides Pouliott?

Rusty Says: Carolina in 7

OUTCOME: CANES IN 7

My Stats: GP 7 (7) = 15 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 5 win = 50 pts. (70 possible)
Series Winner - CANES = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 95 points out of possible 115 pts

Hindsight Says: Trusty Rusty Strikes Again! 95 out of 115 is CASH... Or as close to cash as I seem to be able to get.

Pittsburgh (4) vs. Philadelphia (5)

Summary Of My Rant: It's tough to hate on the Flyers instantly as I normally would, seeing as they went on a romp last year. That being said, even though it may be a bit tougher to hate on them this year, I still will take pleasure in doing so.

Hate Box Reaction: Joffrey Lupul is going to score 5 goals in a game at least 3 times this playoffs and will be named Conn Smythe winner.

Rusty Says: Pittsburgh in 6

OUTCOME: PENS IN 6

My Stats: GP 6 (6) = 15 pts. (15 possible)
Winning Games - 4 win = 40 pts. (60 possible)
Series Winner - BOS = 30 pts. (30 possible)
Total: 85 points out of possible 105 pts

Hindsight Says: Another Near Sweep! Chalk One Up For The Good Guy.

Also:

What Was I On This Week? April 20th - April 24th

2009-04-28T17:18:00.001-07:00

What Was I On?
Let's See What I Was On Last Week!
Sidenote: This week was jockin' 4/20

Is it just me, or does it seem like each year 4/20 gathers more steam? This year I received more Happy 4/20! texts than any other year. I also received a chain-text blunt...puff, puff, forward - which was a first. T'was a gooder if I do say so myself!

This week I was on:

Rusty's Choice:
A pirate:

A Trip Down Memory Lane:
Brutus The Barber Beefcake:

WTF? Gotta Love Photoshop:
Superman Snugglers:

GiddyUp.

The Aftermath of Friday

2009-04-25T16:00:00.001-07:00

Last night was epic. Not only did I get Oregon Trail on my iPhone... I got Wolfenstein on my iPhone. It's like elementary school all over again. Schhhhwwwwiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggg.

Time for more MC Vagina to get me ready to rip this bitch apart today. Next week will be a shitbox, so I gotta fit my intoxicants in while I still can.

"What's the difference between a girls mouth and a girls vagina? - There is none... I want my penis to be inside both of those things."

Damn... I can't wait til this dude comes on tour up north. Not sure why I find this so damn amusing, but I do. Here is my response to the hatebox:

"I've got a present for you right here. Actually, it's not a present... it's my penis; and I like to call it the sphere. Cuz spheres are long and hard, just like my penis. I don't like it when you talk... Cuz that just means you're not sucking my cock. Love is for girls and gays... If you wanna be with me, it goes 1 of 2 ways... Either you have sex with me... Or, you have sex with me."

Cheerio!

Friday = Start of the Weekend

2009-04-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

What a long week! We're bringing on a large client May 1, and transitions are a pain in my ass. Larger bonuses, on the other hand, certainly are not a pain in my ass; unless I happen to be sitting on my wallet... In which case it could potentially be a pain in my ass.

Time for the Admiral to dust off his drinking shoes and wake up in a ditch with a wicked headache and a case of the clap!

Prop up the north side... C - To The Anada Bitch!

What Was I On? - April 13th - April 17th

2009-04-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

What Was I On?
Let's See What I Was On Last Week!

Last Week Featured:

A Puck Bunny:

The Joker's Ability To Produce Boners:

NHL 93:

Yezzzzzzzzzzzir

Priceless Part 2

2009-04-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

Well, Millions' love for cock sucking has prompted me to scour the net webbings and find some other golden moments that don't let me down.

One example of the glory inside:

"I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you wanna... You Know."

"I'm on this Zoloft thing... Right?... But I'm only on that to keep me from killin y'all"

"I wish one of you had kids so I could kick them in the fuckin' head and stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain, cuz that's the pain I have waking up every day." - Iron Mike Tyson

WATCH THEM ALL!!

The comedy in this one is pretty self explanatory:

The video below makes you wonder what they were trying to prove by saying these things:

Below is my #1 video on You Tube. I've watched this so many damn times... never get tired of it.

I couldn't leave new reporters out of this party:

Shop 'Til You Drop:

I don't mind Jim Rome, apparently this guy does:

Boob toobery:

Good Gravy!

It's not funny to laugh about Tourettes... but:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:

Can't forget about this one... SmoooOoooOooOOOOooooTH:

I also enjoy this one:

I am starting to really go off point with these links, but I can't stop - won't stop *does Puff Daddy dance*

Priceless

2009-04-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

All I need to do in life is read Oilers Nation and I won't miss a beat.

Gold.

PS. I miss Ray Ferraro.

http://www.oilersnation.com

Read it or suffer a brutal sacking.

Example of a brutal sacking performed on an Asian lady shown below. They have schools where this fine art is taught and unleashed on those who do not live and breathe to the beat of the nation.

Hire MacTavish Now F*ckers!

2009-04-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

So I guess Mac-T is gone eh?

So I guess he's going to New York?

This team used to be predictable. I don't know what to think anymore. I need a drink.

KP better get the boot. Seriously.

And now, something to make an already wonderful day even better:

Today has been good.

Lock 'Em - Round 1 Results - Spoiler Alert!

2009-04-14T15:16:00.001-07:00

It's time for the office playoff pool... This year it shall be mine! I will admit I haven't been the best prognosticator in years past, but, as they say in Oil Country there's always next year! For me, next year starts now.

Inside, you will find out how the first round will shake down!

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Jose (1) vs. Anaheim (8)

Anaheim was able to hang in there... Thanks to the collapse of our beloved Oil, the Ducks (who sucked large donk stick all year long) were able to waltz into the #8 spot. (Insert random Selanne stick measurement comment here)

Truth be told, I'm not just hating on Pronger because he's Pronger, or Bobby Ryan because Lowe apparently doesn't think the kid can play... All I'm saying about this series is: The Ducks goaltending isn't going to take them anywhere.

Hate Box Reaction: Todd Marchant will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Ducks.

Rusty Says: San Jose in 5.

Detroit (2) vs. Columbus (7)

Detroit is obviously Detroit. Columbus is obviously Colum... WTF?... Columbus is in the playoffs?!? It's about time, and I for one am happy to see it. Problem being - Columbus plays Detroit in the first round.

Now, I recall a certain player, who may have been Brad Winchester of all people, slay the mighty Wings... I don't see the same Detroit team the Oilers faced that wonderous spring. I'd love to see Columbus pull this one off, but... I keeps it real.

Hate Box Reaction: Jason Chimera will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blue Jackets.

Rusty Says: Detroit in 6

Vancouver (3) vs. St. Louis (6)

Talk about a matchup of second half fire-breathers. Vancouver was able to steal the division from Calgary. St. Louis was the RuPaul of NHL bottom feeders and then skyrocketed into 6th place. This is the same St. Louis team that had a player knocked out the entire year in a terrible golf cart accident.

I don't much care for the Canucks at all to be quite frank. That being said...

Hate Box Reaction: Brad Winchester will streak in alone and launch one top shelf to win the series for the Blues.

Rusty Says: Vancouver in 7

Chicago (4) vs. Calgary (5)

Does the Olli Jokinen disease exist? I think so. The Flames were a mess down the stretch, ran into injuries, and just plain and simple are the Flames... They can lickith the stickith!

Hate Box Reaction: Rusty is right. F*ck the Flames!

Rusty Says: Chicago in 5

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Boston (1) vs. Montreal (8)

I'm loving the look of this matchup. It's nice to see Boston back on the hockey map dominating the East this year, and it was fun to watch Montreal have their roller coaster of a year. Normally, the Canadian bias comes out quite easily, but Boston looks too strong a team to hate on.

Hate Box Reaction: But Rusty, can you possibly doubt the Eastern Conference All Star starting line-up? They have to win! They're Allstars Dammit!

Rusty Says: Boston in 6

Washington (2) vs. NYR (7)

Will we see some Sean Avery fireworks? Will Ovechkin score a game winning goal and do the worm on the ice? The Rangers coming into this year looked like a strong team early, but really bottomed off as the season wore-on - much like the Canadiens. I would love to see Slats have some success in the new millennium, but this will not be the year. (at least millenniums are long, right?)

Hate Box Reaction: Scott Gomez is a playoff superstar, the only way the Caps could pull this off is if they had traded for Pisani before the deadline.

Rusty Says: Washington in 5

New Jersey (3) vs. Carolina (6)

Erik Cole really helps Carolina coming into this series, and I do love to see a spoiler. I'm going to pull the Brent Sutter has already mailed it in card and say Carolina will pull the upset.

Hate Box Reaction: How can you choose an Ex-Oiler like Cole to lead a team through the first round and not choose the greatest player in the 2004 draft besides Pouliott?

Rusty Says: Carolina in 7

Pittsburgh (4) vs. Philadelphia (5)

There was a lot of talk earlier in the year about how a team could have the 2 top scorers in the league and miss the playoffs. The Pens turned it around and made some noise in the second half of the year and do have 2 of the best lamp lighters in the league. It's tough to hate on the Flyers instantly as I normally would, seeing as they went on a romp last year. That being said, even though it may be a bit tougher to hate on them this year, I still will take pleasure in doing so.

Hate Box Reaction: Joffrey Lupul is going to score 5 goals in a game at least 3 times this playoffs and will be named Conn Smythe winner.

Rusty Says: Pittsburgh in 6

There ya have it!

Keep It Safe This Long Weekend...

2009-04-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

Pack my bags and get out this piece is the plan for today. Bright and early first thing tomorrow I'm off to the mountains to paint Banff copper n blue. No work til the 20th... Long weekend in Banff. Things are shaping up nicely for Rusty T. these days. Besides our lousy hockey group of course.

In honour of the long weekend - and the fact that no one reads this site and I do need to keep myself entertained - Enjoy a fine animated programme.

Will He Stay? Or Will He Go?

2009-04-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

Now, I don't want to alarm any of the Oilers faithful as we've already suffered enough this year... BUT... Trusty Rusty has been hearing a lot of talk about Mac-T walking away from the team. Apparently, there are a few people - a small handful according to a CP article I eye-sexed recently - that would like to see Mac-T relieved of his duties as coach, dipped in a vat of sweet and sour sauce and breadcrumbs, and tied to the back of a CN Train bound for Yellowknife as a flock of crows are released from a giant cage.

Will He Stay or Will He Go?

Does anyone really know what to expect from the Oilers? Well, when it comes to management - Yes. Ya Boy Rusty will go out on an extreme limb and say: He Will Stay.

If the Admiral were in charge, KP would get the axe, Mac-T would fill KP's shoes and tweak the scouting staff so that we are no longer in love with following trends (small "skilled" players last few drafts, big "power forwards" in previous drafts). I'm not delusional enough to back Mac-T's actions as a coach this year, but I do think the Craigster has what it takes to realize a good player when he sees it - coaching that player is another matter. The obvious response from the hate-box is: Do you want a team full of Liam Reddox-esque players with Mac-T calling the shots? At least Liam Reddox busted his ass for this team. Love him, or hate him - Flat-out losing Mac-T would not help the organization as a whole in my most humble of opinions. Call me crazy, but I'd much rather lose Huddie, Kelz, Moore and the rest of the backbenchers while launching Mac-T into the management scene. The Super Old Boys Club would be left unable to link up their magic rings and cure the ailments of Oil Country if the Craigster were to end up in, oh let's say, NYC.

There! Now that we've cleared that up, please proceed with your regularly scheduled drinking.

Next up... UPGRADE THE DAMN TEAM!

Long Weekend Salute - Easter

2009-04-09T01:20:00.000-07:00

My friends, it's Easter Countdown Time! The snow is melting... The sun is shining... The miniskirts are returning... And I'm off to Banff after 1 more day of work. Bottoms up, tops off.

A Friendly Message to the Edmonton Oilers...

2009-04-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

Our good ol' friend 2Pac shares the actions most Oiler Fans will be relaying amongst the faithful this summer.

Have a Good Summer Biotch!!

Sidenote: If the Oil did love us and had made the playoffs, Detroit fans would be re-enacting 2pac's rant after the first round was finished in 4. Bring on the #9 slot in the draft.

Admiral Rusty T. Shackleford

2009-04-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

...The "Recession" can go fuck itself... Why?
Because... Admiral Rusty T. Shackleford is open for business!